I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
