Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
