spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
