We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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