When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
