Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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