I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
