remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just found a bag of teeth...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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