How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I need moral support for this bender
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
