wanna go halves on a baby?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
