I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
