he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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