Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
