There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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