Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
