There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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