I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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