No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
