i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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