I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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