i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
