hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
