The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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