My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
