12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
