dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!