how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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