I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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