my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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