Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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