Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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