no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
