Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
