OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
