Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
