I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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