Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
