Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
