I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
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you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.