that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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