ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND