I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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