six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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