The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
