Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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