Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
