Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
