So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
