All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
