Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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