My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
