i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
soo... how was my night?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
