After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
