Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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