If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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