Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
