Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
id be glad to
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
